• 02:02 You know what show I miss? Swat Kats. #

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I keep having nightmares. They all generally have the same theme, though they're never exactly the same. For the most part, they always involve me being grabbed, either walking down the street or being torn from my car or something similar. Then I'm usually thrown to the ground or against something really roughly. I struggle and try to scream but no sound comes out. Then whoever it is who's attacking me starts smashing my head into a surface, though a couple of times they've started to sexually assault me while they're beating me up.

In the most recent one I was driving home from visiting with Justin, however the road I was on was not a road I ever remember seeing. It was a twisting road through a heavily forested mountain pass. I suddenly noticed I had Justin's cell phone in my truck so I pulled off to turn around and take it back to him. For whatever reason, I decided to wait a moment on the side of the road. That's when this other car pulled over and two guys got out. They went off to the side and it looked like they were peeing. I got nervous so I decided to lock my door. One of the guys looked like he heard the lock click. Even though I was in the truck I could clearly hear him say something like "Why did you have to do that?" before he turned around. I quickly reached over to lock the passenger door but the guy was suddenly looking in through the window and grinning and shaking his head. Suddenly I was yanked out of the car by his friend, who I couldn't see, and they started dragging me through the gravel and stripping my clothes off. I kicked and writhed and finally got loose and started running naked down the road. I looked over the edge of the bridge I was running on and could see some people camping below so I tried screaming at them for help but nothing came out. One of the guys caught up to me just then and yanked me back by the hair.

And that's when I woke up.

I'm so exhausted all the time because I'm afraid to sleep now because these nightmares happen almost nightly. I know they're most likely related to drug use and crap, but that doesn't keep them from terrifying the shit out of me. The only thing that really helps is when I'm at Justin's and he calms me down enough afterward to help me fall back asleep. When I'm at home I generally don't sleep at all or in small 30-60 minute intervals.

Maybe I should see a doctor.

So people are talking about Candis getting released from the hospital and -not- going to jail...

Excuse me, what?

She's proven over and over again that she has zero self control and has not listened to a single thing her PO has told her. She either has the most lenient legal team EVER or even they have given up knowing she's going to kill her self anyway.

Ugh.

Anyway, I have some errands to run and I'll supposedly find out her status later today. Yipee.

They have a RV. Steve and Tango have a fucking RV in GHA. This is so amazing I can't even describe...

• 13:15 Why does every guy I decide to talk to online automatically wants cybersex? #
• 13:23 @JigsawFirefly x_x #

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Candis overdosed in my car today. She almost died in my arms. In the hospital she told me I was a peice of shit for calling an ambulance because now she has to go to a behavioral health hospital.

Short version of another long story:

+ If you're going to lie, attempt to at least try to make it believable.
+ Katie rocks.
+ Midnight cigarette/grape soda runs are always awesome. (So are super-sweet goodnight kisses.)
+ Being further ahead in your NaNo than originally thought is also pretty awesome.
+ Being awake at 1:16AM with a potential job interview at 8AM is idiotic.

Pretty much this whole movie makes me wibble and I am no fan of romance movies. It's definitely one of my favorites of all time.

• 02:27 @JigsawFirefly Cuddles rock! #
• 08:10 I hate that any time there is some new health study my gma automatically applies it to me and doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm gonna die. #
• 08:12 @splatnuk Dunno if I'm on your MSTie list but I totally should be. I watch MST3K at least once a week! #

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Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have finally found the image that I want to become my first tattoo:



(Sans the yellow background of course.)

Candis agreed to go into a 30 day rehab tomorrow, but only if she gets to use today. If she doesn't get to use today she says she won't go, because that was the deal with her family. I guess she wants one last hurrah or some shit. Mind of the addict, always making deals and comprimises for the sake of the next fix.

I really do hope she goes through with it though. I even told her I'd go visit her and she could call me.

Happy Halloween F-List!


ILY!!!

• 23:05 @PostWhoreLord Every time you retweet you're tweeting with every tweet that tweet has been with. #

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I'm starting to realize the sources of most of my MENTAL ANGUISH are things that would be realatively easy to cut out or at least remedy but they happen to be things that I've clung to for so long it feels impossible to let them go. I know I'm happier without them the few times I've manned up enough to push them out of the way, but I always go back in the end and it gets harder to seperate myself each time.

I guess I really do have an addictive personality.

Another problem I have is distinguishing between my paranoid (for lack of a better word) assumptions of how people will act towards me and how they actually behave. I build my fears up so much that I end up hindering myself from any sort of enjoyment or progress because of the simple chance that someone will think I'm an idiot. (In before "but you ARE an idiot".)

So I force myself to do things I don't enjoy for the sake of making others happy and I feel guilty when I do things I actually do enjoy.

tldr; Jes is being emo again.

ETA; Ghost Adventures LIVE tonight, bitches! I know it's not nearly as good as GH but that's not going to stop me from watching Beefy McBicep & Co march their fine young asses all over my TV for six hours.

ETA2; If any snotty brat-child asks me what I am for Halloween I will say "You in 10 years." That should scare them.

I'm very nervous about sharing my NaNoWriMo account. I'm afraid if what I write is horrible (which if you've read my shit you know it's a possibility) people will lose respect for me. I haven't even shared my new ff.net account for this reason as well. The few people I have sent samples of my writing to haven't exactly had nice things to say about it so I'm really wondering why I'm trying anyway. Even my mom says I need to grow up out of this writing dream.

Seriously, though, if the cunt who wrote Twilight can get published then why can't I?

Ugh I need more fucking drugs I hate feeling like this.

F-LIST! Share your newest favorite bands!

1.) Zolof The Rock & Roll Destroyer -

2.) The Dollyrots -

3.) Cage The Elephant -

So... I decided to come back.

I had a bit of a mental breakdown I guess. All I wanted to do was disappear. I didn't do that great of a job.

I've been lying to myself about a lot of things and to you guys too. In trying to be this fake, happy person I drove myself into a gutter.

I don't want to be a fake any more. I don't want to be a liar.

I relapsed on Thursday. First by drinking hydrocodiene, then by getting heroin.

I felt overwhelmed, which I know is no excuse, believe me. However, though I do regret it partially, I don't think I would have handled myself any differently. I've never had the best coping mechanisms but I'd like to think for 3+ months fucking up once isn't so bad.

While I'm deluding myself, I'd also like a million dollars and some selfworth.

I am insignificant.

I want to diasppear. I want to sell all of the belongings I can and leave behind any trace of my existence. I want a new identity. I want to be reborn.

I want to start everything brand new. I want a clean reputation. Clean veins. Smokeless lungs.

I want to meet strangers and give them my new name and never have them suspect a thing about the disgusting person I had been. That person wouldn't exist by then. It will die.

Lately all I think about is how wonderful nonexistence would be. Not really dying, but not being alive. Being blank and unblemished. If I could wipe myself free of my thoughts and emotions. My memories.

They keep resurfacing, like scabs that tear open if you move the wrong way. Things I refused to think about for years are now ripping through me for no reason other than my pathetic, weak defenses are letting them.

Picking up rigs and pipes when I could barely walk. The arms of strangers. Smells, sights, sounds. The feeling of his fucking eyes through the crack in the door. Mixing drinks and serving them then going back to my cartoons. Broken glass all over my room. And blood. Deafening music.

Pills in my throat.

I dream about that the most I think. How I did it wrong. How I could do it right now. And how absolutely uneffected I feel having these thoughts.

Like it's the most natural thing in the world.

It's not even a desire to die. I want erasure. I want every part of me gone. Every trace. Every memory. I want no one to be aware of my being.

And if not that, I want to at least be forgettable.

Selfish.